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Here is the judging! Which is the more random essay? Was it the autobiography of dougydarkangel, or the weirdness of Believe?
You decide.
You judge.
The title of Completely Random is in your hands.
Poll will run for 5 days.
Here are the nominated essays:
dougydarkangel
There once was a young lad named Dougy, he was a very silly person, he would change opinions, stances on various issues, and even occasionally, bra size. The existence of absence of reality was important to Dougy, and his search for this idea (and a new bra and panties [despite being a heterosexual male]) lead him to a small club in Melbourne. Where he saw a band playing their hit song called “There is something living inside me (and his name is Frederico Nicci)” and from that moment on, he had an epiphany, he just knew what his purpose in life was. It was to lead a group of African farmers down the main street of New York, to the 3rd newspaper vendor on the east side of the street, and buy the new york times, roll it up in rubber bands and throw it onto the “tonight, tonight” set. (a side note, the song “tonight, tonight” was actually written originally by panic! At the disco, billy corgan developed a time machine and stole the idea of the song from them).
This is the second paragraph, and is an analytical analysis of the first paragraph, you can find the footnotes and a side order of chicken nuggets in Frederico Nicci’s novel “the new way to discover healthier alternatives to rat poison”.
The opening line of this epic saga of mystery, intrigue and crusty toad excrements tells us a lot about the main character (which is in fact me, yet he is speaking in third person, and only two people in the whole world know why). This line which Dougy just mentioned is as follows, well its not really following this, its more just written after, its not like the quote Dougy is about to say is actually following the words, because following something usually means you have some sort of mental intention to follow something, and Dougy doesn’t believe that simple computer based text has this ability. Actualy in light of recent events and undergoings, Dougy will change his name to “I”, incase he forgets that he was required to write in third person, it will void any responsibility and the reduction of marks due to this mistake.
What is the best part of a second do you think? The first few split seconds, were one finds ones self contemplating the beginning, and what that entails? Possibly the middle few split seconds? Were you are still fresh with energy, yet don’t have the same enthusiasm as you did in the first few split seconds? Then of course, one must progress onto the final few split seconds, which can be a very difficult undertaking, it becomes much more difficult as the work load increases, and the pressure of having a better social life increase also, so you are always at odds with what to do, what to accomplish, and what to eat for desert.
Can anyone read binary? Or, translated for people that speak binary 101100010110010100110101, hang on, that was a fairly pointless translation wasn’t it, anyone who could read binary, would have generally been able to speak English anyway, so they could have just read the first bit, and anyone wanting to cheat could just read the first bit, say they can read the second bit, yet they are LYING
Oh what a sad life some people lead, they only know how to make money, they don’t know how to love, live, create, extract or enjoy. Money will be gone when you die, wether you believe in something after that, for the purpose of this argument is irrelevant. Even irrelevance is irrelevant when it comes to the loss of everything. Once I was CLOSE TO HOME, yet far away, I was sitting on my porch after waving goodbye to my friends who I love very much and I just though, wow, I much prefer these people to my friends at school, they are so narcissistic. I simply cant stand to be around them, but for these guys, I would die just to make one hour of their life a little easier. I would live the rest of I’s life inside their love. For in fact, who wouldn’t be the one they love?
At this point in the journey, I feels closer than he ever did to his friends, his partners, his lovers, and as a result he changed his name back to Dougy. In an effort to become closer to his friends he decided to marry one, and employ the others as garden gnomes, but which one to marry? Maybe to make the decision easier he should simply make them all garden gnomes. Maybe Dougy should do what he always has done and run away and join a travelling sequence of algebraic equations on their trip around the world. Yes, thank you world its been good. I only has one final thing to say
FUCK INACTION
FUCK APATHY
FUCK POP MUSIC
Welcome to my world.
Believe
Chapter 1: It all started...
It all started with a big bang right? All of it, Jell-o Pudding, Turtle Wax, The Crash Test Dummies, Bazooka Joe? Well if thats the case where do we all fit in? I mean McDonald's says 5 minutes in the drive thru and you should have your order, Dominoes says an hour and you should have your pizza, while the doctor says 9 months and you should have your kid but is anything at all guaranteed? I remember once in High School, it was the week of Homecoming and the captain of the football team guaranteed the school a victory at the pep ralley just before the big game - then we lost by 37 points! And who really cares who wins a stupid football game right? Screw the Superbowl and Superbowl commercials! I think the entire league should be changed. From now on whatever your mascot is, that's what should be on the field. If the Lions play the Bears - there should be real lions and bears on the field ripping each other apart!!! I'd pay to see that!!!
Chapter 2: Things I'd pay to See
I'd also pay to see Donald Trump in a death match with Rosie Odonell. Of course at first I would have to support the Don but I think after a while I would just end up thinking to myself "Why am I cheering for this rich old bastard?" Much like earlier today I thought "Why is SamC cheering for Dougy?"
Chapter 3: Why is SamC cheering for dougy?
Why does he deserve good luck? Does that mean I deserve bad luck? What has dougy ever done for yourmom3000? Did he walk your dog for free one day? Did he tell your mom how nice her perfume smelled after planting roses in her garden and painting her toenails? Man - it sucks when people are against you and they don't even know you. I feel like the opening act at the Pumpkins first show back. Everyone is so ready to see the pumpkins that they dont even care if I am the most amazing thing since Go-gurt...and in in fact my entire essay is but a necessary precursor on Sir Dougy's road to victory. But hey i can live with being a necessary precursor...as long as i'm necessary -
Chapter 4: What I can't live with
What I can't live with are the Carlos Mencia's and the shapeshifting Reptilian Humanoids that have infiltrated our society. A friend of mine told me that on his last trip to the dentist he was given an anesthetic prior to having his work done. Mid-way through the procedure he says he awoke from the deep sleep and when he was able to focus his eyes on the dentist he was horrified. He said the man standing over him had the face of a lizard!!! Of course I had already informed him of David Icke's writings and the Reptilian Humanoid phenomona so I was the first one he called after this bizarre incident...What more could I say besides "I told u so" and "The tea was splendid!"
Chapter 5: The Tea Was Splendid
The tea was splendid that afternoon, we took a short carriage ride down in to town for buckwheat and grain. Gus brought his old sheep-hound with us. Gus had named the dog buckshot because he once shot the dog square in the rear-end with a Tech-9 semi automatic while hunting squirrels in the rainforest. Now the poor old dog just drug his two back legs behind him where ever he went.
Crippled for life, sadly he would never have sex or catch another squirrel again. (Save the Rainforest)
Chapter 6: The First Time I had Sex
It all happened way too fast.
Chapter 7: Changing the Subject
Changing the subject, isn't "Lost" just the new "Gilligan's Island?" Sorry, If you are too young to know Gilligan's Island this may be over your head, but I will say this, if you love "Lost" - you should check out "Gilligan's Island" It's way funnier, the chicks are way hotter and there's no fat guy. And speaking of the fat guy...I mean really, if you are stranded on a desert island with no food, building huts, and forging for fire wood - you'd think a guy would lose a few pounds right? So why the heck is the fat guy still fat? If you ask me - that guy is a walking floatation device. They could just toss him in the water and everyone can ride him to safety, END OF SHOW.
Chapter 8: -But of Course They Can't End the Show
-But of course they can't end the show, ever wonder why they make shows like "Lost" or "Gilligan's Island", shows that never have a final resolution or climax. Its just constant suspense to keep you thinking that the characters are close to being saved so that you keep watching. In the end you find out they don't get off the island this time - but tune in next week and they'll try again! Let me just save you the trouble...they are not getting off the island next week and neither are you! Ted Turner's not letting them off the island because as long as they stay on the island - you'll stay on the couch and he'll keep getting rich. You think Ted Turner has time to watch all the crap T.V. he programs? HELL NO - he's at the bank cashing checks, travelling the world and having real experiences with real people. Heck - one day he may even be off on one of his many excursions and get himself stranded on a desert island. Meanwhile you're stranded on your couch watching "Lost: Ted Turner Edition!" Hey, I'm no better - I was stuck to the couch, as a youngster myself, I didn't think T.V. sucked at all...
Chapter 9: Things I Used to Think Sucked
I used to think Star Wars sucked, but it doesn't.
I used to think Zwan sucked, but it doesn't.
I used to think school sucked, but it doesn't.
I used to think being alone sucked, but it doesn't.
I used to think being sober sucked, but it doesn't.
I used to think Criss Angel sucked, but he DOES!!!
Chapter 10: Why Criss Angel Sucks
Is there any comparison between David Blaine and Criss Angel? Not in my book. David Blaine is the real thing. I dont care what anyone says - if you have to perform your tricks with the aid of T.V. cameras and video editing...u are a poser. Sure Criss Angel may dress the part (Trent Raznor on Speed) but David Blaine can fly - I believe that in my heart, and the heart never lies...
Chapter 11: The Heart
Yes my friends, the heart is a sacred thing, cuz when it stops your dead. This fact was proven years ago in a movie called "Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom" In the movie, Indiana Jones goes to India where he witnesses a priest conducting a ritual in which he rips a man's still beating heart from his chest and tosses the body into a pit of flaming lava. Well, since the heart was still beating the man was still concious when he hit the flames...of course. When i see this scene is makes me think about how fleeting human life is, which leads us to chapter 9
Chapter 12: A Requiem for 9 Lives
If a cat gets 9 lives why do people only get one. Why the hell are cats so important? Is there a shortage of cats in the world? not enough to go around? Is there some angel in cat heaven that says to the cats "Look kitty, I know you were just hit by a car but we need u back down on the ground ASAP!" (I use the terms Angel and Heaven loosely here but I want to be clear on the fact that I do not speak the cat language nor do I consider myself an expert on the cat afterlife...the only thing i do know for sure is that all things must die, including this essay)
Chapter 13: Death of an Essay
In conclusion, Madd Pandas Rule, Testosterbone 4 Life, SP is Sacred, Love is Suicide (Suicide is Love), Sex is Stupid, Crack Kills, Breast Feed (Drink more milk), Cancel your Credit Cards, FIX your FACE!, Touch yourself sometimes, Eat the fat, Crap more, Piss less, NEVER fail a piss test, Owen Wilson, Catch the monkey, Watch the sunrise, Listen closely, Look both ways, Bite your nails, Burn your hair, Work your angle, Abuse your friends, Eat at Joe's, Don't ask for directions, I had no idea she was a hooker your honor, Dig a tunnel, and always share your candy.
I want to give a shout out to my little cousins. May your crackhead of a mother get help (for your sake), and may your father stop taking people's money and telling them he will fix their cars only to leave with the money and never return.
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